embrace the mess
My whole life I’ve struggled with control.
Since I was a child, I have wrestled with the reality that God is sovereign, and I am not. The feeling of being out of control would lead to full-blown anxiety attacks and despair. I feared sudden disaster or sickness, I trembled over bad news and unanswered prayers, I even dreaded falling sleep—for I couldn’t control exactly when it happened!
For so long, this has been my “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12) – the overarching problem that causes me to run to God in prayer. The struggle I’ve prayed for deliverance from with no avail.
Even to this day, I must remind myself that I am not the one who is holding everything together.
When overwhelmed, my tendency was / is to clean. If I couldn’t control the feelings within, at least I could control the external. I would organize and rearrange and neatly place everything in its place, and once finished, could breathe easier knowing that the world around me was put together.
And then I had children.
Any notion of control I had wilted faster than grocery store flowers.
These beautiful, miraculous blessings came into the world with no sense of order, direction, or time.
There are days I watch in utter horror as they streak through the house, piles of clutter amassing in their wake.
(Every mom knows, no matter how much you clean up after them, there is another mess right behind you).
And even though there were (and still are) days that make me want to go crazy over the chaos around me, becoming a parent was the best thing to ever happen to my control illusion.
God is using parenthood to lovingly remind me that I can’t do it all. I can’t keep everything in tidy little boxes. In fact, on most days, the boxes are scattered all over the house and the yard and all of them are on fire.
And yet— the world keeps spinning.
Even when I feel more out of control than ever, He is still holding all things in his very capable hand.
I can take a deep breath. I can still rest easy.
Because my worth is not tied to the cleanliness of my home. My worth is found in the unshakeable truth that I am made in God’s Image, and I am His child.
My peace is not found in what I can control, but in who controls all things: Jesus Christ. And he never changes, never wavers, and is never surprised.
I’m preaching to myself this morning as I continue to live and wrestle with my thorn in the flesh.
God is in control. We are not.
May this truth inflict us so deeply it hits our bones. And may its wound fill us with the peace He leaves with us… “He does not give to us as the world gives, do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:7)
Philippians 4 encourages us similarly: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This week as you look around and feel overwhelmed by the chaos, take a moment to pause and breathe. See it as a reminder that you are not capable of doing it all in your own might—you are not God! And praise Him for that. May our limits cause us to run to our limitless Lord for strength and guidance. May we take things one hour, one task at a time.
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8